For the longest time I thought I had to justify the things I loved to my children OR not love those things at all.  My children grew up in a house that they were free to explore things they wanted to but I wasn’t. There had to be a responsible parent and we didn’t take turns at that job. The music in the car was what dad liked. Our food choices for dinner were based on what everyone else liked. If Keith told me he didn’t like something, rarely would I make it again even if it was something I grew up loving. My children told me to start making decisions for myself. It still took me a bit to figure that out. Those choices are not what my children would always choose for me, but isn’t that what the, “for myself” means?

Last Thursday I spent in a movie theater listening to Drum Corps. Five hours of me sitting still and I loved it. I watched the drill and hard sets and soft sets. Who watches those kinds of things, really?  I watched color guard, and the use of props. It is a world that I love! I think about what it would take to make that flag for how long they used it or how they stand out on the field. When I look for shadows it makes me think of the friends that I made through high school marching band and watching shadows with them at high school competitions. The friendships have lasted well beyond the years my kids were in high school. I sat in the theater with a friend from cub scouts, another activity that was a big part of my life at one time.  Driving to find a theater that still had seats, was its own adventure. Being scared and doing things anyway has been one of the greatest things that I have gained since my divorce.

From marching band to this week’s concert, Apathy, but they could not be further apart musically. I am learning its ok to have my own interests. A rap concert at 46 years old? It is not music that my children made me listen to, nor would they. In high school I wore out my Run DMC cassette tape. I don’t listen to all rap but this guy is amazing in the words that he uses intertwined with old-school music. Of course I am scared to go by myself. I have no idea what to expect, but we will all be there because we have the love of that music in common. That is the part of the new experience I am trying to focus on.

I don’t fit what most people my age act like, but do I have to? Age is how you feel more than it is a number. I have had people say to me that I should act my age but am I not allowed to choose what that means? Where is there a rule that says I can’t get a tattoo or go to a concert or date whom I enjoy spending time with, (especially if they enjoy spending time with me also)? Does music have an age limit? I can like marching and more classical music but I can also love rap music. I am finding what I love again. I am so grateful I have been able to do so many activities with my kids and now new ones by myself.  Not fitting into the idea people think you should be isn’t the hard part. The hard part is doing things you love anyway.