These words are painted in bold letters on my bathroom wall. Do you have any idea all the hundreds of pages of nonsense I write in my journal? Or the word written in blue dry erase marker all over my bathroom mirrors and shower door. Some people are all about numbers. I fill my life with quotes and words.

Not everything I write is for people to read. I want to be understood but I know I write pages and pages. If my life depended on me explaining things in the fewest words possible, I would fail every time. I was told once that my mind is a labyrinth, a place someone could get lost without a map. My journal is filled with random bits and pieces but even that is incomplete. The fractured thoughts that play on repeat in my head are enough for anyone to get lost in.

Everything needs to come out of me. Some days it flows out like a gusher you can’t stop. Words and tears all mixing together. It’s like pandora’s box. I can’t open it just a little. It’s all or nothing. Other days I feel it building but not close enough to the surface to make enough sense to write down. I love logic and there is no logic to feelings so that is what I write about most. I have learned I have no say, I can only acknowledge my feelings exist. I write to find my own reason when logic tells me there is none.

My favorite place to write is on the beach. It seems to make the hard things a little easier. The roar of the waves crashing, the birds circling, in the middle of that chaos I can find calm. I must watch for it or I will miss it. It comes in those small moments. It comes in whispers. It’s that one thing that goes right that you weren’t expecting. I look for those moments, make them be louder than the chaos.

The ocean is such a large thing when I stand on the edge of it. I love the feel of the waves barely kissing my toes but it makes me feel so small. It gives me perspective and makes it easier to accept the truths I don’t want to admit to myself.

Being vulnerable is not my favorite place to be. I don’t think anyone wants the world to know their secrets. We live in a world that judges. My life is so far from perfect but its my life and even though it’s been hard, I don’t think I would change any of it. I live with the philosophy that all of the things we have been through, make us the person that we are today. I couldn’t have become this person if it wasn’t for the people I cross on my journey. They inspire the words and the feelings. I grow just by knowing them.

It’s taken a while and thousands of journal entries, but I like the person I am today.

My words are the story of my tears and my crazy adventures, my journey to find that feeling alive moment we all want to feel. I may be the writer, but the adventure and the people i meet along the way are the foundation that becomes my words. I don’t need to be famous or have the entire world to know about my adventures. I just need to have the courage to write them down.